Parenting Through a Trauma-Informed Mindful Lens: What I Witnessed Today

Just this morning I witnessed two 'grit my teeth' moments that stuck with me, and I was umming and ahhing all-day whether or not to write about them. Well, here I am.

There were these two moments - that if not from a mindfully aware trauma-informed lens, may not necessarily look like trauma at all on the surface. But when we look a little closer, we begin to see the subtle, almost invisible patterns that can quietly plant some potentials seeds of stress into our children's lives.

This isn’t a blog to shame or judge. This is very important to say upfront for those who do not know me! Parenting is difficult. Managing our own 'stuff' is a lot, at times. We’re forever developing, learning and remembering. And we can only learn what we’re open to seeing, observing and contemplating on, with what we know at any given time. And what I saw today I think is worth sharing and unpacking a little further in a small bid to support and help people and parents.

What Happened

I saw two different parents today, both interacting with their young children in seemingly everyday ways. Moments nobody would barely notice unless looking through a particularly trained lens - the older I'm getting I'm realising that my lens has been sharpened by years of training and practice in meditation, mindfulness and trauma recovery whilst also studying and experiencing how trauma lives and moves in the body, in our voices, hearts, nervous system and our every day lived experience.

Trauma lives within all of us - whatever our childhood was like. We all understand what it's like to feel tense and tension. This is stress and strain, long term, is a deep internal suffering that may not bode well for us. Trauma is like this invisible battern passed to us that we all have to deal with at some point. (a cool sentiment that a client once shared with me).

Anyway, we're not here to talk about the semantics of trauma right now.

Scenario One: A child, maybe 2 or 3, was happily scooting down the path, until suddenly he came to a road - and well, yeah you guessed it - the happy go lucky boy was blissfully unaware and continued at pace scooting into the road. His parent ran after him, understandably panicked! Their tone quickly turned very sharp: “What are you doing?! You have to look! There could’ve been cars!” whilst grabbing the boy by his jumper and physically pulling him to the other side of the road again.

Scenario Two: Upon barely catching my own breathe from the first incident, I walked the path and not more than 1-minute later - another parent, crossing the road with their toddler, was essentially bullying the toddler in my eyes: “Why are you doing that? Come on, this way. What are you doing?” "Come over here".

This second one isn't one I like AT ALL. There was a similar more agressive occassion I came across at the weekend when a parent was continually shouting offensively and loudly in public at their child.

These things, when aware of trauma, are VERY difficult to sometimes shake off. I literally have to shake witnessing experiences like this off. Although some behaviours are clearly easy to see are not cool - a lot of the times trauma can also be oh so subtle. And many times we'll go around quite unaware of what impact any of the ways we are connecting, speaking, behaving or acting is having on ourselves and others - especially our childs development.

Okay, so what’s going on here?

In the first scenario of the boy with the scooter, these were reactions mostly driven by fear, stress, and overwhelm. Perfectly understandable. And yet, this could be named as reactive parenting. I'm not labelling or shaming here - I'm naming what it happening and noting it.

A side note: please please please rememeber I am not here to shame or judge. I'm here as a kind friend, mindfulness mentor and a trauma-informed educator about some stuff I've learned over the years that I enjoy sharing with others to make others aware and to help them upskill in certain areas - I appreciate hearing this term 'reactive parenting' could be a tough and shocking thing to read, especially if it produces some kind of realisation or wondering "Am I a reactionary type of parent." It's okay. We all react. This is completely normal. And there are ways to understanding this more unconcious reaction, so we can look to move away from this and become a little extra considered and mindful of our reactions.

Here's something I hope could be useful. When our nervous systems become dysregulated, our ability to respond with care, due-dilligence, clarity, and with calmness of tone can all but disappear. We may end up defaulting into all sorts of behaviours - such as control, panic, or sometimes shame.

The key point here is that most parents haven’t had the chance to understand how stress and trauma works. And what to do about it, even if there is some theoretical understanding. And the very challening part is to begin integrating all of this into ones daily life. Trauma isn’t only about dramatic or violent and overtly abusive moments - it can also be about overwhelm, confusion, fear, and disconnection. And in even more subtle ways - we could even 'care' for our children too much or in subtly bypassed kind of ways.

In both situations above, the child was simply being a child. Having fun, playing, exploring, curious - of course completely unaware of any danger or how the world really works. The parent became activated, and simply reacted from a response of the fear and danger. And most likely some levels of embarresment that they'd taken their eyes off their child and that this happened whilst people were around to see it all unfold.

That fear response translated into sharp tones, scared facial expression, and some real tough language and angry faces. The little boy could have picked up on any or all of this, and internalised it somehow. And if not seemingly looking affected by this in that moment - they'll no doubt be this and many other moments to come along in that childs life, and when accumulated over years of conditioning throughout a childs developmental years - it's no wonder we may end up with some or any type of psychological/physical/behavioural/who knows what kinda stuff to manage later down the line.

It's not always about what happens in these moments, it's the imprint that becomes planted into the child’s memory in one way or another. Simply, it could be that the child may internalise (unknowingly) that when they make a mistake, this scares their safe and secure care provider. Or their unknown 'bad boy behaviour' makes the parent, who may more often times be their soothing safety blanket, really angry. Or they may unknongly internalise something along the lines that “I’m really bad when I don’t do things right.” “The world is really dangerous and unpredictable, and my Mum is also really really scary.” - when the child was just being a child. On this occassion he didn't seem to register much of what happened and just continued on his scooting.

But this is disconnection in real life.

This lack of attachement to the parent may not look like anything on the surface - but later down the road a disconnected journey with the parent could take on all kinds of twists and turns for their parent/child relationship. (of course there's a different type of disconnection that happens in teens - but that's for another blog).

Let’s Pause Here.

This isn’t about being perfect. No parent is. I have no idea what happened later, or what kind of beautiful and wonderful connection and upbringing that child/parent has behind closed doors. I'm sharing this to get complex and nuanced messages across as simly as possible. I notice stuff like this happening so regularly. And I think it's about time I began sharing more about these things that I've learned in the hope it could be useful or helpful for parents and people interested in these subjects to understand trauma.

There are no gold stars for parenting without there being an emotional journey. (Or more like rollercoaster or storm sometimes)! But there are opportunities for repair. And there are opportunities to grow - so that these occasions can be easier to see and deal with more and more easily within the present moment. Let's look a little more deeply.

What Could Help Instead?

Here’s a simple and practical trauma-informed approach for moments like these:

1. Pause & Resource – If the moment has passed and you find yourself flustered, take a breath. Return to your senses and body and become present again in the world. Speak kindly and gently to oneself. And a reminder - "I did what you could in the moment." (but plesase use this last sentiment carefully - many can end up bypassing this or not fully grasping the meaning behind the message and it can get a little bleugh - (this field of emotional trauma recovery in itself is a tough one to navigate)!
   

2. Repair Later – That evening, when things are calmer, look to find a moment to connect with your child in an age appropriate way. You could open up a conversation and begin reflecting on the moment from earlier in the day, and in first person share something like 'did you notice earlier today I got a little flustered and angry at you when you went into the road...'. Keep it simple! Perhaps even use toys to reinact this moment and play with it.

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4. The child is likely not going to pay much attention, especially when not used to a deeper or emotional connection - but that's not the point. The point is connection and reflecting about the day with your child - and sharing what you can about what happened in a calm and loving, kind way and tone. Let the child know you're there for them, and truly watching over them and witnessing the things going on in their lives - wow! I can't explain how powerful that in itself it!! I'll do some workshop on that point itself one day.

   
   

This of course doesn’t erase what happened, but it can begin to look at rewriting the emotional story earlier on in the childs life, rather than it sinking deep into the subconcious where it could potentiallly take some unknown root at any time. Instead, the child could receive strong leadership and parenting with clarity, safety, and love. Powerful!!!

Trauma Is Memory.

That’s the simplest way I can put it. And more to come on this topic when I can begin sharing and writing more about it. Shared in as simple of a way as possible - traumatic memory is how our bodies and minds will record overwhelming moments - what they meant, how they felt, and whether we had the best kind of support afterwards or not - and this becomes placed somewhere within the subconcious of our minds and bodies.

These deep unknown recordings shape how we behave, relate, and live without us even knowing about it. Particularly if leading an fairly unconscious lifestyle . These memory recordings shape how we come to be and continue becoming. And most trauma isn’t from “bad parenting.” It’s from a long period of deeper disconnection, love and kindness.

We are all navigating a big, scary world.

I went to meet a new friend and colleague in the south of Dorset yesterday, a fellow trauma-informed practitioner named Sophie Roe - it was a blast - and she reminded me in her talk how we're all simply navigating this big scary world on our own. And this is true to me too. We're all far more similar than we are different, and we're all like that little boy on the scooter. We’re all just humans, moving through life, trying to feel safe and secure and have the best time that we can along the way. Even us adults. Even the strong, stoic ones. Even the ones holding it together (and doing such a great job of it as well). However, if we can hold this truth about our humaness gently, it becomes far easier to soften toward ourselves, our partners and our children. And to look at moving from reaction to reflection.

What I’ve learned on my emotional trauma-recovery journey.

I’ve been on a long trauma recovery journey. A winding, humbling path full of mistakes, missteps, and deep deep learning. I didn’t want to repeat the patterns passed through to me from my family. I grew up in an abusive family. And I wanted to break that cycle. I'd put on hold my own life, career and family making journey just because of this. And I've struggled in deep love and life to discover and connect with people who really get a sense of what trauma is all about. Finding the right people, the right wisdom, and the right support was and still is very difficult to come by!

What worked? So much to say - but I'll begin by saying that I mostly felt my way through it. Trusting my gut and lived experience. Studying and training with trauma-informed educators and spiritual teachers, I had coaches, therapist, mentors - the lot. Some good experience, some further traumatising ones. Above all - I looked to get help and support from others, and this is a great thing in itself!

If my own father had reached out for help far sooner, maybe my journey wouldn’t have gone so deep into pain with countless years of suffering because he may have been able to sort his stuff out and not have passed it onto me. Who knows, one can dream of what life could have been like. I don't hold anything inside towards my family and father now - and I haven't for several years. I like the inner peace I've discovered. And I ultimately wouldn't replace that inner peace and safety in how I feel for anything else.

My wish is that more people could find their own way on their trauma-recovery jourey too. And come to their form of peace and safety for themselves and those around them. And I enjoy being able to help or to play a part in that journey in any way I can.

Practical Steps for Parents

1. Start by observing - and noticing – Begin to observe reactions. What activates or triggers you? What sensations arise? Name them - call them out - speak to them and with them. (don't worry, this may seem weird at first, but this can become easier after a little concious practice).

2. Reflect daily – At the end of the day, think back: “Did I lose connection? Can I go back and reconnect?” "What could I gently offer, whether it's in a creative way or in the form of play to share this big adult thing with my chid in a friendly age appropriate way"

3. Practice Repair – Children don’t need perfect parents. They need deeply connected, loving, kind and supportive ones.

4. Get Support – Whether it’s therapy, coaching, or community - don’t try going it alone. Learn from my mistakes please! Do this together alongside others.

   
   

An Invitation

If you’re serious about parenting and having support alongside you on your mindful parenting journey, I’m going to be opening up my Trauma-informed Mindful Parenting Circle, as a bi-weekly - drop by check-in. (I'm sure I'll come up with a better snazzier name for this at some point). These circles will be a blend of education, open sharing and discussion, along with trauma-informed tools you can take away to practice and bring into your home.

For further information about this style of group and these types of sessions subscribe your email clicking the button below, and I'll be in touch.

Mindful Parenting Sessions

No shame. No blame. Just space to grow.

The work of trauma recovery doesn’t just change our lives. It changes the lives of those all around us and who come after us.

With deep compassion and hope,

Dan Silvestri