Who I Am.

The past is the past. It's become for me a story of parental and familial disfunction, which I endured, and later worked through and now I have a strong sense of being free from.

Because like all of us, we can't pick and choose our parents and the earlier stages of our lives, in which they have such a large responsibility of guiding us through. However, we can choose how we wish to be and live our own lives moving forward - seperate from the hold we may have with our parents.

For me, I have learned that seperating ourselves from our parents isn't only healthy, it's necessary for everyone. Because we require, what Jung calls, 'individuation'. And this is best managed, thoughtfully.

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Like any typical young boy from the 80's, I looked up to my parents, and particularly my father. He put on a good show of being quite a stand up kinda man. Until he could no longer hide behind the own masks he created, along with all his supressed anger, thoughts and emotions that he kept to himself. (Until he could no longer keep to himself, and instead it came out in his behaviours).

 

I watched as his own supressions, lack of self-control and responsibility and inability to maintain any kind of life he'd built for himself and his family, eat him up from the inside. Guilt. Shame - the whole nine yards and a t-shirt to go with it.

 

Looking back today, what I was watching was a very steady and slow decline of both my parents mental health and well-being, and how my fathers own ways had got the better of him. With a partner left to pick up the pieces.

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My father left the country, abandonding his family with a huge mess behind him - we were running a family business together, and it became extremely difficult to keep the business and family home going, especially without understanding all the financial side of things that he was managing.

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The truth soon became clearer. There were various accounts of identity fraud and miss-leadership from my father against myself and Mum. Debtors were coming to us for payments of debt that were my fathers.

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I helplessly watched our family home and all possions become repossed from underneath us, leaving myself, Mum, Sister and Nonna - all homeless.

 

The family business fell into adminstration, and I found myself with no career or work.

 

I was 23 years old when I reluctantly signed for personal bankruptcy, just to stop all the letters and threats at the door for debt being chased that wasn't mine.

 

Significant harm had been done. And the subsequent years were not easy. I only realised later I was battling with severe trauma, and began suffering PTSD symptoms after he'd left.

 

I also didn't want to remain being dragged down and over consumed by the life that I grew up into. Although I look back now and I was restlessly locked in survival mode, looking for my 'home'. A place to live and be and breathe, with love.

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Whilst my life was in ruins and my future became hopeless - I also knew this wasn't my path or future. I had some kind of deep sense to who I was - however, I also had a lot of maturing. (thank you therapy, coaching, meditation and mindfulness practices).

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At 24, I entered into the worlds of hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, counselling and coaching - not wanting to follow my fathers footsteps, I reached out to find some form of 'help' for the trauma I experienced, and I had a lot to learn with how to get myself and my own life on track.

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It's only when I took a personal stand for everything, did my life actually begin to change - in my mid 20's, I conciously decided to take full responsibility and accountabilty for myself and my own life, education and actions (this in itself wasn't easy) - However, I only discovered then that I began having greater amounts of internal space for deeper forgiveness, for people who miss-led or miss-treated me, as well as for parts of myself for own past mistakes - and I learned to deeply accept the rest, so that I wouldn't get eaten up with resentment, bitterness or any ill thoughts that would only result to impacting myself anyway.

 

By taking full responsibility and accountability, I could also warmly embrace the present again, much like I used to when I was very young child, way before all the mess and chaos. I became the happiest when I could be present again with all of my emotions, and they wouldn't spin me so far out of wack or drain all of my energy. This was only possible because I learned what I needed from or to do with each emotion as it came up, particularly in how to contain or handle some of the more difficult emotions, or find healthy ways with others who might be able to help me process them, or comfort me.

 

Taking deeply radical responsibility and accountability also meant I could begin taking courageous actions for myself, and the future it is that I want to see for my life - this part is still a work in progress...

 

... should I be so lucky, I am still praying for the opportunity of being someones life partner one day, and me being theirs, with the possiibility of raising a family together within a safe, stable, secure and trusting home. :) 

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In the meanwhile. I continue to live, create and build my own life.

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My little takeaway here - Healthy relationships are always two way and require great communication across various levels - and families require everyones input, including the childrens, along with a really great vision, leadership and role modelling from both parents. The better two people can connect, communicate and be on a wavelength with eachother, the more joyful, healthier, stable and longer lasting a relationship can be.

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Accept. Embrace. Be Courageous